I’m Tired of Being Gay

05-197208xx-5I’ve been gay (well actually bisexual with a strong homosexual bias) for as long as I can remember, and I’m completely adjusted to it. All my friends know, and accept me for what I am: even my parents accept me.

I’m tired of what being gay implies. To me, what it should imply is simply being myself, and preferring relationships with my own sex over those with the opposite sex. But what it actually does imply to all but a very few of the other gay people I know is being totally artificial and shallow, wearing smooth trendy clothes and expensive immaculate hairstyles, cutting oneself off from the straight world and isolating oneself in sordid clubs and pubs, picking up similar people for use-once-then-throw-away sex. It’s just not me.

I’m a great believer in human relationships and personal honesty within them: such relationships I could never have with any of the gay people know. On the other hand, all my relationships with my straight friends – of both sexes – are so much more meaningful that I’m sorely tempted to give up being gay and try being “straight”. If I were to repress my homosexuality in favour of heterosexuality it would not be because of oppression by the straight world but by the gay world. The only alternative would be to tread the downhill path into dishonesty, and become an institutionalised queen. I have seen one once-liberated guy do this, and now another – my ex-affair – is on the way down. It makes me despair. It makes me so sad that I’m tired of being gay.

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