Last of the Biograph?

Is this the last Biograph Review? Why was there no Bio Review in GN No 7? What has happened to Julian? Has Julian contravened the Obscenity Laws or sold out to Lord Longford? Has the Bio turned the lights off?

These and other unasked questions will be answered by Julian in his following article, which could possibly be his return and his departure!

Oh loves, you won’t believe it! Your own dear Julian has been nobbled. I’ve been interfered with by forces out of my control. And it’s all very nasty I can tell you. In fact I will tell you. Here’s what has been happening to yours truly.

Those of you who have been wise enough to buy this delightful publication since it first appeared will no doubt have regularly noticed, if not read, this little feature of mine called the Biograph Review.

It was written in the hope of communicating to you some of the pleasures I have enjoyed at that little cinema. Or my little haven as I used to call it. I also, so you wouldn’t be quite so much in the dark about some of the more glorious celluloid creations they often show there, provided details and reminders about what’s on and when. I also passed a comment or two about past and future showings, and said the occasional word about the comforts to be found in the Bio.

And now and again I’ve been a little critical about either the films or the running of the cinema. Remember what I had to say about torch flashing.

Well, after thrilling you for six issues of this paper – and drawn a few comments I’d rather forget from some of you – it came to the time when I had to phone Mr Wheelan, manager of the Bio, to get the information I needed to write my review for the next issue.

When I got through to Mr W, the reception I recieved wasn’t quite the one I had anticipated. His greeting was somewhat curt, to say the least, and when I asked him for the forthcoming programme I was told that he felt he would rather not have the Bio mentioned or written about by me in this paper. Well you could have knocked me down with a half empty packet of Boots cotton wool. When I had gathered myself together I ventured to ask why he had taken such a turn towards me. To this I was told that he considered my writings to be malicious. Oh, that hurt – me, sweet little Jules, accused of maliciousness. I’ve had a few things said about me in my time, but that one takes the cake and eats it.

By this time, I might say, I was beginning to get a little cross, but not wanting to make the situation worse, I calmed myself down, and bravely and charmingly tried to find out what specifically was upsetting him so. But he wouldn’t say much more, apart from again stating that he considered the aims of my writings to be malicious towards his cinema, and that I didn’t realise that his establishment was for the benefit and pleasure of all. I replied that I had seen ladies there, but also had heard stories about the trouble they sometimes caused. I also reminded him that it was patrons like myself who not only made him his bread and butter, but also helped to put a fair portion of jam on top of it.

But he wasn’t interested in anything I had to say. Even reminding him further of the free advertising I gave the Bio (as well as the full programme being advertised in the paper) came to no avail.

So Julian’s been sabotaged. My career as a respected cinema critic has had its roots pulled up. I don’t quite know, at the time of writing, what I can do about the situation. If you feel strongly about your Jules being censored, I suggest you give Mr ‘Bio’ Wheelan a ring at his cinema (01-834 1624) or at his office (01-493 8771-3), and tell him exactly what you think of him and his dirty trick on me.

I do have a little plan about how I can get the information needed to write my piece, but have no guarantee that it will be successful.

It has been suggested by my editors that I move on to other and better things to write about. Maybe restaurants or fashion – it has even been recommended that I take on the task of reviewing the new 45 RPM single records. I would much rather continue with the Bio Review though, but even if I don’t (or can’t) your Julian will come up with something super to titillate you with.

I might add that my mind’s been in turmoil for the past couple of weeks. I was so sorry about letting down all you people who had taken a liking to my column. But let me say this, being nobbled isn’t easy, as some of you must surely know, especially after a certain age, but that’s another story, isn’t it?

Just bare with me for a little while, Julian isn’t beaten yet. Take care of yourselves dears. Flowers care of this paper’s office please.

ED. Will Julian come bouncing back? Watch this space in our next issue for the continuing saga of adorable Jules. He’s a wise and canny old bird really, so there should be more goodies in store for you all. RIP little Bio. Kill the crabs.

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