‘Crabs’ are lice. There are head lice, body lice and genital lice (crabs). The crab or genital louse likes to live around the hairs of cocks and cunts but often can be found wandering in armpits, chest or even eyebrow hair. They look a bit like sea-shore type crabs but are about the size of a pinhead and when you catch one, if you hold it up to the light you will be able to see that it is not a speck of fluff or dirt because it has legs and claws that move. They cling onto your hairs and bite into your skin, sucking your blood and shitting, causing intense itching and making small reddened patches which will get larger when scratched and may become severely infected, needing antibiotic treatment. Tender lumps in the groin or armpit – see your doctor!

These itchy little gits also lay tiny but quite visible oval eggs (nits’), which cling to hairs (like the ‘nits’ of the head louse) and hide in clothing, particularly seams, bed-linen, towels etc.

“The best way to get rid of them is never to catch them” – Some unwordly medical wit thought that one up, but is best to have a good look at whoever you may feel like scoring with. Cleanliness is not next to godliness – but it scares the shit out of lice! If you have it off all over the place and you can’t wash thoroughly every day – then you’re mad – and a danger to everybody. If you’ve got crabs without knowing it then you’re simple, because from now on you’ll be able to look carefully for the creatures, especially if you’re scratching a lot.

When you’ve got crabs. We are all a bit simple occasionally, so when you’ve got crabs buy yourself some QUELLADA LOTION from any chemist (use QUELLADA PC as a shampoo if you’ve got head lice) – have a shower or bath and put on lotion strictly according to instructions on the bottle. Don’t put any of the same clothes back on. Wash them and iron them – particularly the seams. Don’t use the same towels or bedclothes again until they’ve been thoroughly washed.

One application should be enough but it s best to repeat the whole thing again after seven days. Not before that and not again in the same infestation. Don’t wear clothes you think you may have worn since you caught crabs unless they are washed or dry-cleaned first. Quellada is the most effective way of getting rid of crabs or lice that I know. It has a pleasant, faint smell, doesn’t sting your balls, labia or arsehole – (but keep well away from eyes or mouth), stops the itching within minutes and as well as killing crabs and their eggs, also gets rid of scabies.


Very tiny little mites which cause intense itching because they burrow into your skin, lay eggs and shit there, causing reddening and tiny blisters over their tunnels. Scabies are easily caught through sexual contact. Infected ‘bed-mates’ should be treated, if you’ve got CRABS or SCABIES. Lice from domestic animals are NOT attracted to man and mites from cats and dogs may invade man’s skin but cannot continue their life-cycle there. So don’t blame Rover or Tibbs! Writing this has made me feel itchy, so I’m off to have a good look …

A Real Doctor

AKA Graham Chapman, who was indeed a real doctor.
A Real Doctor

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Author: A Real Doctor

AKA Graham Chapman, who was indeed a real doctor.

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