Lancette

I made it very clear in my previous article about VD (crabs and scabies) that a thorough wash every day is essential to people that have it off lots of times with lots of different people. Avoiding crabs and scabies is fairly easy because they’re quite large animals and you can see them, or at least what they do to the outside of your body. Gonorrhoea, Syphilis, Non-Specific Urethritis (NSU) and other diseases caught particularly by sexual contact are caused by nasty little creatures that can’t be seen with the nude eye. I’m not going to talk specifically about these different diseases at the moment, but I am going to suggest advice on how to avoid them.

Don’t fuck or be fucked if you have any kind of sore on your prick, cunt or bum. See a doctor. It might be nothing, but check.

After you’ve fucked someone have a piss – it helps to flush out the germs that might be creeping up your piss pipe – wash your cock.

If you are about to be fucked, have a look at his cock first. If there is any kind of sore or spot or wart, forget it. If you really must — just have a mutual wank, but wash your hands afterwards. Warts on the cock, cunt or bum if ignored, are particularly difficult to get rid of, even more so than warts anywhere else on your body. They are not particularly harmful, and may go away of their own accord some time or other, but what right have you to pass them on to anyone else! See your doctor.

If you have any kind of burning sensation when you piss or any kind of discharge from your peehole before or after pissing that doesn’t look like normal piss (cloudy, darker, or thicker) then if you get into bed with anyone the chances are you’re passing on VD and I’d like to kick you in the groin. You deserve it!

Anyone with any kind of worry about Venereal Disease should go to their own doctor, and remember that if he tells any one of your own family or employers about it he can be struck off the register, so he’s bound to be a nice man really. Or go to your local hospital and boldly ask for the ‘Special Treatment Centre’ or VD Clinic, giving someone else’s name and false occupation. They don’t mind but they are inclined to treat you as the scum of the earth. Take the treatment but not the moralising.

PS. If the moralising doctors suggest that you should not drink alcohol because you are being treated for VD of any kind, ignore them. In their own way they’re really saying “if this patient gets drunk he’s likely to go out and fuck somebody else” (or be fucked) it is absolutely nothing to do with the treatment or the drugs used in any kind of VD. It is just that they think you need a little punishment. Death to quacks.

PPS. I’ve never come across a personal vibrator with warts.

PPPS. I’ve never met anyone in my thirty one years of life that doesn’t wank and isn’t a liar. It’s a very healthy exercise — carry on, I’m off to have one now.

CRABS

‘Crabs’ are lice. There are head lice, body lice and genital lice (crabs). The crab or genital louse likes to live around the hairs of cocks and cunts but often can be found wandering in armpits, chest or even eyebrow hair. They look a bit like sea-shore type crabs but are about the size of a pinhead and when you catch one, if you hold it up to the light you will be able to see that it is not a speck of fluff or dirt because it has legs and claws that move. They cling onto your hairs and bite into your skin, sucking your blood and shitting, causing intense itching and making small reddened patches which will get larger when scratched and may become severely infected, needing antibiotic treatment. Tender lumps in the groin or armpit – see your doctor!

These itchy little gits also lay tiny but quite visible oval eggs (nits’), which cling to hairs (like the ‘nits’ of the head louse) and hide in clothing, particularly seams, bed-linen, towels etc.

“The best way to get rid of them is never to catch them” – Some unwordly medical wit thought that one up, but is best to have a good look at whoever you may feel like scoring with. Cleanliness is not next to godliness – but it scares the shit out of lice! If you have it off all over the place and you can’t wash thoroughly every day – then you’re mad – and a danger to everybody. If you’ve got crabs without knowing it then you’re simple, because from now on you’ll be able to look carefully for the creatures, especially if you’re scratching a lot.

When you’ve got crabs. We are all a bit simple occasionally, so when you’ve got crabs buy yourself some QUELLADA LOTION from any chemist (use QUELLADA PC as a shampoo if you’ve got head lice) – have a shower or bath and put on lotion strictly according to instructions on the bottle. Don’t put any of the same clothes back on. Wash them and iron them – particularly the seams. Don’t use the same towels or bedclothes again until they’ve been thoroughly washed.

One application should be enough but it s best to repeat the whole thing again after seven days. Not before that and not again in the same infestation. Don’t wear clothes you think you may have worn since you caught crabs unless they are washed or dry-cleaned first. Quellada is the most effective way of getting rid of crabs or lice that I know. It has a pleasant, faint smell, doesn’t sting your balls, labia or arsehole – (but keep well away from eyes or mouth), stops the itching within minutes and as well as killing crabs and their eggs, also gets rid of scabies.

Scabies

Very tiny little mites which cause intense itching because they burrow into your skin, lay eggs and shit there, causing reddening and tiny blisters over their tunnels. Scabies are easily caught through sexual contact. Infected ‘bed-mates’ should be treated, if you’ve got CRABS or SCABIES. Lice from domestic animals are NOT attracted to man and mites from cats and dogs may invade man’s skin but cannot continue their life-cycle there. So don’t blame Rover or Tibbs! Writing this has made me feel itchy, so I’m off to have a good look …