The Ballad Of Snow White And The Seven Gay Dwarfs

A jealous queen was once obsessed
With mirrors on the wall
And one day made the vain request:
“Who’s the fairiest of them all?”

“Oh mirror give me your answer true,”
When much to her distress
The mirror said: “It isn’t you.
It is the camp princess”.

This put the queen in such a state.
She freaked the princess out.
Who fled from the old bitch’s hate
As she was chased about.

The queen with a malicious smile
Then left that teeny gay,
Who quickly disappeared meanwhile
And wandered far away.

She reached a cottage open wide
And entered with delight.
For there were seven stalls inside
But nobody in sight.

She said: “It’s no good waiting here”
But peeping out she found
That seven dwarfs were lurking there:
It was their cruising ground.

Wanky and Randy went in first.
Then Bashful and then Peepy,
Then Sucky with his raging thirst,
Then Gropey and then Creepy.

The dwarfs were overjoyed to see
A gay so pure and sweet.
And followed in a row when she
Sat outside on a seat.

The dwarfs grew anxious when she said
That Snow White was her name:
The watchful queen, they knew with dread,
Would see her on the game.

The mirror told her all too well.
It pierced her jealous heart;
She mixed a potion, cast a spell
And used her blackest art.

She put the mockers everywhere;
To poison poor Snow White,
She threw an apple in the air:
The princess took one bite.

Alas, the fruit was meant to kill.
The dwarfs each shed a tear.
Thinking her dead when lying still
And placed her on a bier.

In vigil they stood side by side
And silently they wept.
Still wondering if she really died,
or if she only slept.

They heard a horseman far away,
And as he came in view,
They saw a prince handsome and gay
Whose body well they knew.

They welcomed him with great delight
Into that sordid place,
And when he saw princess Snow White
He bent to kiss her face.

The apple fell which did the trick.
To everyone’s surprise.
The gay was neither dead nor sick
But opened wondering eyes.

The queen watched from her miror; she
Was freaked out of her mind
And died in dreadful agony —
A warning to her kind.

“Let every queen give up her crown,”
They cried, “Let’s have no more.
All royalty should be put down.”
And each one cried “Encore!”

They formed a commune from that day,
Which numbered three times three.
And said “Far better to be gay.
And to be proud and free.”

Their gender roles went overboard,
They spurned the ancient lore.
And in harmonious accord
Were happy ever more.

This ballad will be performed as a 10-character mime at the GLF dance at Shepherd’s Bush on December 22, for which it was specially written.

Wilde Times At The BBC

The following script for the Wilde sketch, stolen from Graham Chapman, with his permission, is one whole sketch and a bit censored from programme 12 of the current series of Monty Python’s Flying Circus. See also the news story on How They Castrated Monty P.

The script is presented in its original form, as duplicated by the Light Entertainment Group of BBC TV, but we have reset it word for word with its original layout, so that it’s possible to read – the BBC seems a bit mean with duplicating ink.

SUPER CAPTION. LONDON 1895

SUPER CAPTION. THE RESIDENCE OF MR OSCAR WILDE.

SUITABLE CLASSY MUSIC STARTS.

(MIX THROUGH TO WILDE’S DRAWING ROOM. (STUDIO) A CROWD OF SUITABLY DRESSED FOLK ARE ENGAGED IN TYPICALLY BRILLIANT CONVERSATION LAUGHING EFFETELY AND DRINKING CHAMPAGNE (REAL CHAMPAGNE)

PRINCE OF WALES
My congratulations Wilde. Your play is a great success. The whole of London is talking about you.

WILDE
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about and that is not being talked about.

(THERE FOLLOWS FIFTEEN SECONDS OF RESTRAINED AND SYCOPHANTIC LAUGHTER).

PRINCE OF WALES
Very witty. Very very witty.

WHISTLER
There is only one thing in the world worse than being witty and that is not being witty.

(FIFTEEN MORE SECONDS OF THE SAME)

WILDE
I wish I had said that.

WHISTLER
You did Oscar you did.

(MORE LAUGHTER)

WILDE
Your Highness do you know James McNeill Whistler?

PRINCE OF WALES
Yes we play squash together.

WILDE
There is only one thing worse than playing squash together and that is playing it by yourself (PAUSE) I wish I hadn’t said that.

WHISTLER
You did Oscar you did.

(A LITTLE LAUGHTER)

WILDE
More champagne Shaw.

SHAW
If you please.

PRINCE OF WALES
I thought you were a tee totaller Shaw.

SHAW
I am a beer tee-totaller your majesty not a champagne tee-totaller.

(LAUGHTER)

WILDE
Dear Bernard. He hasn’t an enemy in the world and none of his friends like him.

(LAUGHTER)

WILDE
I’m working well tonight.

PRINCE OF WALES
You must forgive me Wilde but I must get back up the palace.

WILDE
Your majesty you are like a big jam doughnut with cream on top.

PRINCE OF WALES
I beg your pardon?

WILDE
(AT A LOSS) Er… er… er … er… er… it was one of Whistlers.

WHISTLER
I didn’t say that!

WILDE
You did James, you did.

(P.O. WALES STARES EXPECTANTLY AT WHISTLER)

WHISTLER
It meant that like a doughnut your arrival gives us pleasure and your departure makes us hungry for more.

(LAUGHTER)

WILDE
Right! Your majesty is like a stream of bat’s piss.

P.O.W.
I beg your pardon!

WILDE
It was one of Whistlers.

WHISTLER
It sodding was not.

SHAW
He merely meant your majesty that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.

(RIPPLE OF AWED APPRECIATION)

WILDE/WHIST.
RIGHT!

WILDE
Your majesty is like a dose of clap.

WHISTLER
Before you arrive is pleasure but after a pain in the dong.

P.O.W.
What!!!

WILDE/WHIST.
It was one of Shaw’s.

SHAW
Right you bastards… I meant er… er… er…

WILDE
We’ve got him Jim.

SHAW
Er… er… er… I meant… er…

WILDE/WHIST
We’ve got him … we’ve got him. Come on Shorey … come on Shorey.

SHAW
(BLOWS HELPLESS RASPBERRY)

(MURMURS OF APPRECIATIVE APPLAUSE)

ALL
Excellent, excellent!

(TO BE ENDED BY ANIMATION WHICH TAKES US INTO…)