The Grinspoon Gourmet Column

This Week — Orgy Food for Pouffy Parties

Well, my loves, my charming bosses (ooh and are they bossy!) have given little me the honour of presenting you with just a few tiny ideas to make your sugar mummies and daddies happy over the festive season (you’ll need sugar daddies to make some of these ‘dishes’ or you’ll be ‘up the Yangtse’ for the rest of the year! Never mind though, I hope to tell you all about budgets in the New Yearette) but I got out of it by getting my lovely Aunty Hilda to write it for me.

Miss Hilda Grinspoon’s Hints For Parties

That naughty nephew of mine has been badgering me for a few recipes for his comic. He’s a ‘doll’ really, but he does go on so!

Well, he tells me he wants some aphrodisiac* recipes to get his parties to go with a swing.

I can’t think why because whenever I’ve been to them they’ve been the sort of affairs where one can’t hear oneself think for Mick Jaguar records blaring out the sort of noises associated with the local abbattoir – or a Turkish brothel – (Oh I’ve been around a bit you know – I took young Julian in 1967 to a lovely place in Constantinople, oh, we had a lot of fun). Last time it was so hot I just had to go and compose myself in his bathroom – but unfortunately it was fully occupied. It looked like the wrestling scene from that Jane Russell film. Women In Love.

I could swear I saw that lovely Mr Reed in there, as large as life and twice as active. Ah well, you young things really know how to enjoy yourselves. We claimed to have done a thousand things in my heyday, but I’ve never actually met anyone who’s done the Black Bottom, we were all much too prejudiced. But I wander – well I did find some ideas for food to tickle the palate – a friend of a friend of that lovely Norman Douglas gave me one or two hints from his vast store of knowledge. But for aphrodisiac food you’ve got to be in the mood – and that’s half the battle!

(*He spells it afro-disiac)

Drunkard’s Soup (Soupe a l’Ivrogne) —

Julian’s naughty uncle used to have gallons of this when he lived in a Paris garret in the ’20’s. It’s supposed to sober you up!

Thinly slice 1 lb of onions (Spanish easiest) and cook them in a heavy-bottomed pan until soft and transparent. (Don’t let them brown). Season with fresh ground pepper, add two-thirds pint of beef stock, simmering 15 mins. (If you use a stock cube, simmer first with an onion, carrot, some parsley and two sticks of celery for 10 to 15 mins. It’s called ‘improving’) – sieve and then use. Then add ½ bottle of champagne – the better the champagne the better the soup. Let it come to simmering point (below boiling point) then take the whole rind off half a camembert cheese, cut it into thin slices and float these on top to form a covering. Bake in oven preheated to gas mark 7 or 425F for 20 mins. After 15 mins add some dried breadcrumbs to soak up the fat and return to oven. Serves four amply

Anchovy Toast —

(Anchovies have long been famed for their lust-provoking virtues) Cut some slices of bread, toast nicely, trim to any shape required. Have ready a hot water plate (you could put mixture into a bowl, place in a pan of very hot water) on which put four ounces of butter; let it melt; add the yolks of four raw eggs, one tablespoon of anchovy sauce (good delicatessens and Fortnum’s should have it Nepaul (Cayenne) pepper to taste. Mix all well together, dip toast in, both sides; let it well soak into the mixture. Serve very hot, piled on a dish and garnished with parsley.

Sweet and Sour Pork –

(a pleasant change for Christmas fare)

A. 1 lb loin of pork (expensive cut!)
1 tbsp. Sake (Chinese/Jap) or dry sherry.
2 tbsps. soy sauce (most delicatessens)
2 tbsps flour
1 tbsp cornflour (supermarkets etc)
Oil for deep frying (large pan)

B. 3 green peppers, quartered, seeded.
1 round onion (4oz quartered)
1 carrot (4oz cut into small wedges and boiled 8 mins)
1 bamboo shoot cut into small wedges (tinned – delicatessens, supermarkets)
2 slices pineapple (tinned, each quartered)
5 tbsps oil

C. 6 tbsps sugar
4 tbsps soy sauce
1 tbsp wine or dry sherry
2 tbsps wine vinegar
4 tbsps tomato sauce
1 tbsp cornflour mixed with ½ teacup water

1 Cut up pork into 1 x ½ inch cubes and mix well with other ingredients, except oil.

2 Fry pork in deep oil until crisp and golden brown. Turn out onto plate.

3 Heat frying pan (the bigger and heavier-bottomed the better) add 5 tbsps oil and saute B ingredients. (To saute is to fry quickly without burning ie stirring well)

4 Mix C ingredients in bowl and add to sauteed B ingredients in pan.

5 When mixture boils up, add mixed cornflour, stirring all the time (use a wooden spoon-

6 Add the fried pork and mix well. Serve hot. (Good with plain boiled rice)

Julian says there’s nothing like hot pork and when I said it was to be sweet and sour he said, ‘Oh well there’s no accounting for taste’ – half the time he talks in riddles – but they always gobble it up at his parties. I’ve always enjoyed a bit of pork, it’s so versatile.

The dear boy had to have this recipe included, he says it reminds him of ‘Halcyon days with the Navy’. I can’t think why – he was too young for national service…

Bananas in Navy Rum

Two bananas each.

Slice the bananas longways, putting them into a well-buttered dish (fire-proof) sprinkling them well with brown sugar. Put another layer of bananas and repeat until full, then sprinkle sugar over top, pour dark Navy-type rum over the top at the rate of one tablespoonful per banana. Dot it with butter and bake in the oven for 30 minutes at about gas mark 4-5 or 370-390F.

Julian assures me I’m writing all this for ‘a load of old qeens’ but old queens don’t read comics – at least I hope they’re above that sort of thing, although I heard Prince Charles has been known to browse through the occasional Dandy and Beano…

A Queen’s Christmas Message

My husband and I, at this time of year, are glad to be able to pass on to you all our best wishes. As I lie here on our snake-skin rug in front of a blazing row, I like to think of you all at your hearthsides wearing see-through tulle and figure-hugging mini-briefs.

This, above all, is a time of year, when we think of our dark-skinned friends with their enormous attributes in the Commonwealth. We must also think of our yellow-skinned friends, who make such a charming addition to any soiree – well Keith certainly thinks so.

On our recent tour of Canada I was very touched. Up to Christmas we have been very busy with official visits to King William IV of Hampstead, The Royal Court, High Wycombe Air Base, and the Earls Court Wimpy House. We are proud to report that the general spirits of the Great British Public are high and the economy of picking-up is improving.

We have not cheapened ourselves, we are merely making inroads into Europe, as we come closer in our hearts to delightful butch Danes and the people of Marseilles.

Anyway, must close now darlings, Keith’s just come back in – and I do mean in. Love to you all and to all the ‘members’ of the Commonwealth.

Love and kisses,

Keith and ‘Brenda’

Gay News Christmas Presents

The Gay News collective is a generous bunch, and we would love to give gorgeous Christmas presents to everyone. But we’re broke. If we had the money here are some of the presents we would give, and the people we would give them to.

To London Transport
– the stock of exhibits from the Transport Museum at Clapham to replace rolling stock on the Northern line.

To Danny La Rue
– Liberace

To Selfridges
– an instant boycott by all the gay staff and customers of the store, which might make the bookstall manager think twice before telling us there would be no call for Gay News there.

To Lord Harwood
– an LP of Leonard Bernstein’s opera Candide, hoping it would inspire him to put it on at the Coliseum instead of another Merry Widow.

To Alexander Walker (film critic of the Evening Standard)
– a secretary, so that he doesn’t crack his nails on a typewriter, thus giving away the fact that he’s a … journalist.

To Bass Charrington
– vast profits from owning the majority of gay pubs in London.

To All Gays
– a “Welcome” from Bass Charrington.

To GLF
– lilies – and thanks for the laughs.

To CHE
– carnations and a computerised membership files.

To CHE and GLF
– the capacity to love and understand (if not to agree) with each other.

To All MPs
– a copy of Gay News, so they can tune in to the realities of the situation.

To F.I. Litho
– yet another cheque for printing Gay News

To Anthony Newley
– a nice modern theatre where he can stage all his shows – in Formosa.

To The Governor of Holloway Prison
– a big bunch of flowers for allowing Myra Hindley half an hour of light and air.

To The Festival of Light
– a power cut.

To The National Theatre
– the collected plays of Oscar Wilde to remind them of what they have been ignoring these past nine years.

To The GPO
– a two year work study programme of interfering with and losing so much of our mail and for indecent relationships with our telephone.

To Mary Whitehouse
– a pair of ear plugs and a sleeping shade.

To the BBC
– the retirement of Mary Whitehouse.

To ITV and London Weekend Television
– programmes as good as the commercials.

To Sir Gerald Nabarro
– more lady chauffeurs like his last one.

To Lord Longford
– a halo.

To Malcolm Muggeridge
– an airport at the bottom of his garden.

To Edward Heath
– a cabinet made up of ex-grammar school boys.

To Harold Wilson
– a political party

To David Bowie
– an appearance at next year’s Royal Command Performance.

To Larry Grayson
– some original jokes and a black mark for telling fibs.

To Chris Welch (of Melody Maker)
– a record player and a job on the Financial Times.

To The Daily Telegraph
– a losing law suit with Private Eye.

To The Sunday Telegraph
– Richard Ingrams as editor.

To The Evening Standard
– an ad in Gay News

To Private Eye
– a bathchair on the cliffs at Hastings.

To Martin Stafford BA
– A ‘Glad To Be Gay’ badge and a lifelong subscription to Gay News.

To Chelsea Police
– a dictionary to look up the words ‘obstruction’ and ‘malicious’.

To Kensington Police
– a manual on ‘How To Care For Your Camera’