Gay News Christmas Presents

The Gay News collective is a generous bunch, and we would love to give gorgeous Christmas presents to everyone. But we’re broke. If we had the money here are some of the presents we would give, and the people we would give them to.

To London Transport
– the stock of exhibits from the Transport Museum at Clapham to replace rolling stock on the Northern line.

To Danny La Rue
– Liberace

To Selfridges
– an instant boycott by all the gay staff and customers of the store, which might make the bookstall manager think twice before telling us there would be no call for Gay News there.

To Lord Harwood
– an LP of Leonard Bernstein’s opera Candide, hoping it would inspire him to put it on at the Coliseum instead of another Merry Widow.

To Alexander Walker (film critic of the Evening Standard)
– a secretary, so that he doesn’t crack his nails on a typewriter, thus giving away the fact that he’s a … journalist.

To Bass Charrington
– vast profits from owning the majority of gay pubs in London.

To All Gays
– a “Welcome” from Bass Charrington.

To GLF
– lilies – and thanks for the laughs.

To CHE
– carnations and a computerised membership files.

To CHE and GLF
– the capacity to love and understand (if not to agree) with each other.

To All MPs
– a copy of Gay News, so they can tune in to the realities of the situation.

To F.I. Litho
– yet another cheque for printing Gay News

To Anthony Newley
– a nice modern theatre where he can stage all his shows – in Formosa.

To The Governor of Holloway Prison
– a big bunch of flowers for allowing Myra Hindley half an hour of light and air.

To The Festival of Light
– a power cut.

To The National Theatre
– the collected plays of Oscar Wilde to remind them of what they have been ignoring these past nine years.

To The GPO
– a two year work study programme of interfering with and losing so much of our mail and for indecent relationships with our telephone.

To Mary Whitehouse
– a pair of ear plugs and a sleeping shade.

To the BBC
– the retirement of Mary Whitehouse.

To ITV and London Weekend Television
– programmes as good as the commercials.

To Sir Gerald Nabarro
– more lady chauffeurs like his last one.

To Lord Longford
– a halo.

To Malcolm Muggeridge
– an airport at the bottom of his garden.

To Edward Heath
– a cabinet made up of ex-grammar school boys.

To Harold Wilson
– a political party

To David Bowie
– an appearance at next year’s Royal Command Performance.

To Larry Grayson
– some original jokes and a black mark for telling fibs.

To Chris Welch (of Melody Maker)
– a record player and a job on the Financial Times.

To The Daily Telegraph
– a losing law suit with Private Eye.

To The Sunday Telegraph
– Richard Ingrams as editor.

To The Evening Standard
– an ad in Gay News

To Private Eye
– a bathchair on the cliffs at Hastings.

To Martin Stafford BA
– A ‘Glad To Be Gay’ badge and a lifelong subscription to Gay News.

To Chelsea Police
– a dictionary to look up the words ‘obstruction’ and ‘malicious’.

To Kensington Police
– a manual on ‘How To Care For Your Camera’

Julian’s Column

Hello dears. I thought I would do something a little different in this issue and have a go at including a few other topics in my regular featurette. It doesn’t mean to say that I have deserted the little Bio, it’s just that the programme there for the next fortnight isn’t very exciting. The goodies that are showing I will mention at the end of my other review.

To begin with though I would like to say a few words about the Larry Grayson album that has been sent me. Then I’d like to describe some of the treats from the Royal Variety Performance that the BBC showed the other week.

Biograph Review

As I said earlier, not much on at the Bio over the next two weeks. But there are a few films worth recommending to you.

On Thursday 16th November, for three days, Borsalino is being shown. Alain Delon and Jean-Paul Belmondo get on very well together and make this super re-construction of an old time gangster movie well worth catching.

Best double bill of the fortnight comes on Thursday 23rd November for three days. The totally gripping Honeymoon Killers is showing with the really scary The House That Dripped Blood. That one, the last time I saw it, scared me so much it almost made my whatnots curdle. The former stars Shirley Stoler and Tony La Bianco, whilst the latter boasts the cream of the British horror brigade, Peter Cushing and Christopher ‘Shut That Church Door’ Lee.

A nice weepie for three days starts on Monday 27th November. Jean Simmons and dishy Leonard Whiting star in Say Hello to Yesterday. I’m sure you will all be interested to know that some of the new location scenes were shot next door to where I live. You could have blown me over with a whisper the morning I came out and found a bus stop had been erected overnight outside my front door, and parked alongside it was a double decker bus. It wasn’t much good to me though, it only went to Regents Park. Oh, I don’t know though. Primrose Hill can be very interesting at times. Anyway the man in the paper shop over the road put me right about what was going on, and saved me from rushing off to have a scream at someone at the local council offices about new bus routes lowering the tone of the neighbourhood.

Remember I was saying in the last issue to watch out for ‘Lily Law’ and her wandering at the Bio. Well, she seems to have got bored and is keeping herself busy somewhere else. Now you can get on with your relaxation without any interference, apart from that silly usherette man who still can’t keep his hands off his flasher. I hope that the batteries of his torch run out soon.

Take care of yourselves, you should have your woolly vests on by now. If you catch a cold now you’ll have it all winter. Bye all.

Everard and All

WHAT A GAY DAYLarry (Shut That Door) Grayson — York Records MYK 602

No doubt you all know about Larry Grayson and the considerable amount of success he has had this year. Firstly there’s that television series of his, and if you believe the television ratings, he’s doing very nicely. Secondly, he had a single record out called, you guessed it, Shut That Door. That too was very popular.

Now he’s brought out a 12” LP record called What A Gay Day. All the old favourites are included, such as Slack Alice, Apricot Lil, Everard, Candlewick Kate, Non-Stick Nell, and Once-A-Week Nora. I’ve met a few ‘slack alices’ in my time so I can sympathise, but Everard sounds devine! There is always room for you at my place, Ev, if that Larry gets on at you too much.

Compared to Mark Fleming, Larry is a little tame. And his album certainly is not going to shock anyone, but if you like his type of humour, this is sure to please.

The Marrow is a bit naughty, although what he’s getting at is fairly obvious. That Larry is a greedy boy.

He also sings a couple of standards – Second Hand Rose and Only A Glass Of Champagne – in his own inimitable way. Stories about all his ills and pains also appear, as well as descriptions of little adventures he’s had. Shut That Door turns up here and there, as well as him doing the original song version.

With Christmas coming up a lot of people will be buying this for their parties and festivities. Larry never goes too far, so Mums, Dads, Aunt Flo’s and the rest are not going to be outraged too much.

Have a listen, you will get a few laughs if you are in the right mood. You wait until I make my record. I’ll show that ‘Gay Day’ Larry a thing or two.

Queens at the Palladium

Well loves, did you see it? Wasn’t it a gorgeous gay event? All the stars were there, and there wasn’t just one queen there either. Apart from HM Queen Elizabeth and The Queen Mother, lovely ladies both of them, there were those pianist lads – Liberace and Elton John – and Danny La Rue looking more fetching than ever. Such stunning gowns he wears!

Liberace’s wardrobe was as fabulous as ever and he was changing his creations every two minutes. Someone forgot to light his candles though. He had a little competition from Elton, who seemed bent on showing from where he gets his fashion inspirations.

Danny was up to his usual standard and he did some sexy numbers with the chorus boys.

Of the rest of the stars Jack Jones and comedienne Carol Channing were superb, and Carol’s little piece with Liberace was very amusing. The Jackson Five were delightful. I couldn’t keep my eyes off that boy Michael Jackson. Knows his showbiz that kid. Particularly of note was Roy Hull and his Emu, who kept me in stitches throughout his act.

A very enjoyable show and such a regal evening.

Consenting poodle

05-197208xx-5Fan of Larry Grayson? So was I. Then he gave an interview to “Tit-Bits” (no, he’s not one of their pin-ups).

He’s so nice to his fans … “A lot of the queer people like me … I should hate people to think there’s anything like that about me ….. I thought I’d only appeal to a certain section of the public, but it’s not like that at all.” He’s discovered he can make money out of straights, too.

He says he lives with a woman of 62 and a twelve-year-old poodle. I wonder which one of them gives him “these terrible pains down my leg.”? He gives me a pain somewhere else (and it certainly wouldn’t be my arse).

He says he only does what he does for laughs. Anyone want a “Loveable Larry”, going cheap? Perhaps I’ll have a word with Julien….