The Professional Homosexual

prof“We have a great and momentous task before us which can only be performed through diligence and mixing with the right people. I do my bit by getting around and speaking to groups. This week, for example, I am talking to some Young Conservatives in Liverpool on Monday, I have a Rotary Club luncheon on Tuesday, dinner with a few selected MPs on Wednesday. Thursday I am down to speak in a debate on pornography in Cambridge and on Friday at the preliminary, sub-agenda, preplanning committee of the NFHO. Meanwhile I have to write eight articles for magazines ranging from the Police Gazette to Forum and work on my own definitive book on the subject. Yes it’s a busy life. I am also involved with the following organisations: The Kensington Womens Information Movement (KWIM), the Camp Activist Volunteers and the Political Action Group (CAV and PAG), also the Homosexual Information Movement and the Homophile Erotic Research Society (HIM and HERS), then there’s the Gay International Go-Go’ Lads Excursion Society (GIGGLES) and the Co-operative Underground News Trust which is well-known. My book of gay recipes will be coming out in the Autumn, but I have no plans to come out myself as no one knows my real name. There’s little time for love life, I agree, but I don’t exactly waste my time on those inter-city trains, you know.”

The Gay Type

gay“My dear, such a divine party last night, absolutely scrumptious drinkies you made, sweetie. What was it? Gin and passion fruit juice? Oh you wicked queen. And how’s that darling Sam you dragged in from the cottage? He did looked dropped on when he came in, those leather boots . . . mmm . . . so brave of you, I do hope I’m so bold when I’m your age, petal. Was he good in bed? Sam I mean?

Oh . . he did? . . . he didn’t. . . did he now? I . . . did you? . . . you did? Oh, full marks lovie … Oh no! how awful . . . still you will take risks won’t you, heavenly? . . . is your mother alright now, then? … oh goodie . . . a game old bird I always thought. Some of us thought we’d toddle along to the Garden tonight for ducky Rudi in Swanners . . . why not slip into something tight and join us . . . do you good after that nasty experience last night. Champers in the Crush Bar? Tempting? Then the Inigo Jones afterwards? Oh just Johnny and Dolly and Tiny and lil’ ’ol me . . . oh no, we can’t stand her with her pinstripe trousers and Turnbull and Asser shirts, so passé and so serious, darling. That’s lovely then, tonight at the Garden . . . oh, no one will notice the black eye if you wear shades.

I know, put a bit of raw steak on it if you can stand any more red meat in a week if you see what I mean . . . byeeeee”

A Simple but Butch, Soul

simple“Well, it’s like this yer see. some Saturday nights I lose me mates at the Elephant and get up West, see? Wander into one of them pubs, buy myself a half a bitter and stand about a bit. Never takes long. One of ’em come up -‘what’ll you, have?’ Always have a whisky. Then we get chatting and its “Why not finish off the evening at my place?” he says. “Why not” I says and a taxi it is, all the way up to Hampstead or Kensington or Notting Hill Gate. Sometimes its Kensington. Quite like that, I don’t have to stay the night ‘cos I can walk home, see. I don’t hold it against them, they can’t help being that way can they? And I don’t hold with violence of any sort, that’s where me and my mates differ, like. Good boy, I am. Go back with them good as gold. Another drink and a Shirley Bassey record. Yeah, she’s alright. A bit skinny for my taste, still you can’t have everything can you? Then we get down to it . . . you know. Well, me, I just lie back and enjoy it, let them do all the work, after all that’s what they like innit? No, I wouldn’t do that . . . no its not that I don’t hold with it, its like I say, each to his own.

But it’s not my thing. We have good times, sometimes I see them again. Kiss? Christ! mate, what do you think I am, a fucking pansy?

The Sanctuary Queen

sanctuary“Well you see, we believe that homosexuals are real people and that love is the most important thing in the world. Actually, we don’t use the word homosexual at all, but prefer to say homophiles which means lovers. You see, we believe that we homophiles (you see?) must prove that we are real human people by doing things for those less fortunate than ourselves. What sort of thing? Well, we sell flowers on street corners and collect rags on a door to door basis. Some of us are rather keen to go round the neighbourhood cleaning cars and doing odd jobs for housewives. You see, we must convince everyone that we are real people and help them in important, real things. No, I couldn’t possibly give you my name, heavens no, sir. It’s so dangerous to do that, I mean people might find out I’m a homophile mightn’t they? And I can’t give you my address, oh no, that would be too difficult, my canary is terribly sensitive. That doesn’t matter you see, what does matter is that we really try and show everyone that homophiles are exactly the same as everyone else. Oh no, my friends don’t know about me. Well, I take my sister out a lot and I have a girl friend too – I think she knows, but it’s never actually spoken of, you understand, I take her out a lot so people don’t start wondering about me. You see – it’s really easy to adjust and live a normal healthy life, if you really try.”

A Responsible Person

responsible“As I see it, there’s no point in going around with placards screaming that one is gay. I mean who’s interested? People have their own problems, don’t they. Anyway. I don’t want to lose my friends. Friends I’ve had for twenty or more years would drop me if they thought I was . . . like I am. There is no difference between homosexual people and straight people at all, so its just a question of working quietly towards proving this. I’m in favour of homosexual marriages, for example, in church if you like. You probably think that’s very radical don’t you? But if people could see homosexual pair bonds setting up home just like they do, don’t you think they’d feel easier? I don’t think homosexuals should get mixed up with women, or people under 21, or transvestites or anyone who might give us a bad image. I’ve no time tor students, after all its not so long to wait before you’re 21 is it? I think demonstrations do more harm than good on the whole. Its a better feeling just to go along to a meeting and chat to a few other blokes, have a beer, smoke a pipe or two and exchange ideas. That’s what it’s all about, really. Good fellowship. If we don’t bother anyone else, no one will bother us will they?”

A Liberationist

liberationist“Society is wrong it’s the capitalist system that bugs us all and all the competitiveness and role-playing we’re forced to do that’s why I think we should all refuse to work and live in communes, let everyone find their own way through it all, our struggle is a class struggle our fight is the same as the fight for women’s rights and black people’s rights and the workers’ rights isn’t it get all that sorted out and everyone will be happy everyone should come out as quickly as possible everyone should make it clear they are gay we’ve got to push it down their throats in their suburban gardens it’s no good stealing their children they wouldn’t care burn their garages that’s what they understand property do away with private property and gay people will be free to fight on no I don’t do a job why should I society has made me what I am so society can jolly well keep me right if I want to wear drag, then I will because it’s what I want to wear and its nothing to do with being butch or bitch or any of that crap so I wear a dress and I paint my nails so what that’s me I would go leafletting on Saturday night with you but its my sister’s coming-out party it’s rather important to her and mummy that I’m there so I shall have to dash off to Moss Bros now for a white tux. Right on!”